Does he try to avoid conversations about children in every possible way, though you’ve been living together for many years? Are you tired of hearing his constant excuse “I’m not ready to be a father”? Maybe your man prefers being free and supports a newfangled trend – childfree.
Try to get onto subtleties of his psychology and find out the main reasons of such sturdy resistance.
Don’t take the phrase I’m not ready to be a father” literally, because there is always an underlying message.
No man will ever confess to you that he’s simply afraid. Yes, he’s afraid of changes and responsibility; he’s afraid that you’d be taken from him and he wouldn’t be able to cope with difficulties. All these fears can be the main reason of unwillingness to be a father.
He’s afraid that the role of father would be beyond his strength. The most what you can get out of him is a confession of financial difficulties, which are supposedly the main reason of his “unavailability”. It is the most safe explanation you can’t disagree with, isn’t it?
What is the way out of the situation? Let him understand that you both are responsible for your decision to become parents and can handle all difficulties, which will undoubtedly arise, together. In case your arguments don’t persuade a man to change his decision, the will surely weaken his resistance to this delicate subject. Conversations about children won’t be reasons for quarrels and irritation in future, and it means that this subject has already taken a vacant position in his head.
Tell your man about your own fear of motherhood. It is you who bears an enormous responsibility, which can’t be compared with any kind of financial difficulties: to carry a healthy baby and give birth to him. Thereby, you will be able to convince him that he is not the only one who is afraid. Lay an emphasis on that the fear of not being able to handle the role of parents can’t supplant the desire to look forward to this role (of course, if he has such desire).
Every man feels safe when he is sure of his future. Will he be able to find a due space in a family with children's cries, whims and constant care about a baby? In his opinion, such uncertainty promises something dangerous, and it is another reason to refuse to become a father.
What is the way out of the situation? It is very difficult to foresee events of live with hundred-per-cent guaranty of success. But you really can assure a man that children bring not only diapers, cries, sleepless nights and concerns. Children can give you unforgettable happy moments. Otherwise the childfree movement would have numbered millions of volunteers!
Men are very afraid of losing this precious thing. When someone tries to infringe on one of the most important men’s values – freedom, men resist with all their strength.
Will he be able to meet friends without restricting himself to some time limits and command finances freely, if he has to buy diapers quickly or buy clothes, which a child will soon grow out of? These difficulties may seem to be just a temporary discomfort for you, but men consider them as a great problem.
What is the way out of the situation? It is difficult to convince a man to sacrifice his freedom for a while. He will definitely try to resist your statement, being even more convinced of his conclusion that childfree is the right choice. But you can make an agreement with him and offer to restrict his freedom slightly. Moreover, you can assure him, that when the third member of your family appears, he will wish to spend time and money on him with pleasure. But if a man doesn’t want to hear anything about that, you deal with an egoist.
When you pass by children's playgrounds and see happy children, a maternal instinct unwittingly arises in you. It becomes apparent in an inexplicable trepidation, which squeezes your heart when you hear children's laugh, and in your desire to pity and embrace a crying child. But men simply state facts without any emotional response: “children are laughing” or “a child has fallen”.
A man doesn’t have such critical need to be a father, so it is easier for him to refuse to have children at all; he takes children only as bearers of the family name because of absence of personal expertise.
What is the way out of the situation? Don’t blame a man for being hard-hearted towards other people’s children until you have your own baby. We differ from men and our reactions towards children are cardinally different, too.
If your man has a chance to become a godfather, you should support his decision to do it. Because when holding a baby during a ceremony, a man may unconsciously start thinking that he wants to rock his own child tenderly in arms more than anything else.
5. Not Ready
When you hear a phrase “I’m not ready to have children”, ask yourself: “What isn’t he ready for?” Most likely, he is not ready for responsibility, changes, uncertainty and sacrifices. He is not ready for facing his own fear and beating it.
You must agree that it is not so easy to beat your fear, sacrifice a part of your freedom and prepare for unpredictable changes, especially if your man is still a young boy deep in his heart, who needs love, support and understanding of a loved one.